The other day I found myself standing next to the fridge, cutting a slice of cake. I did NOT remember how I got myself to that situation, my memory went blank! But there I was, with a knife in my right hand, devotionally cutting a piece of my favourite cashew caramel cake. An addict getting her fix. What happened? I’d 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘥 that my partner was being disconnected. That created a subtle layer of heartache that I craved to numb. I went unconscious, entering my auto pilot regime that has a program called “sugar alleviates pain”. Ouch.
For so many women, the feeling of disconnection (even just a perceived one) from their beloved feels like a physical ache.
The Feminine thrives in safety and connection makes us feel safe.
When we’re in a relationship, it’s so easy to outsource the need for connection to our partners. We want their Masculine presence to be that solid container that holds our storms.
The Feminine longing to merge through love is who she is, it’s her longing to be one with God.
However, what most people do is to project the need for connection on the outside in an unconscious way. Then we fall into its shadow – that of neediness. Then we feel entitled to someone’s love and attention, as if they OWED it to us. #dramaalert
So, how to meet this longing in a healthy way?
If being an integrated woman is in your value system, then cultivating your Mature Masculine is one way.
In times of inner turmoil, ask yourself: “what would I like my beloved to do now?”. Maybe it’s hearing affirming words of love, being scooped up into his arms or allowing yourself to be held as you cry? Usually we long for some form of Masculine presence. Identify what it looks like and GIVE it to yourself.
Notice, you do not want your beloved to invalidate your aching heart by saying: “it’s wrong to feel lonely, you’re too much, go and drown your emotions in sugar”. No! That’s just monstrous. But we do it to ourselves, sisters. Over and over again.
Our emotional dis-ease literally makes us wanna run a marathon in the opposite direction of ourselves! What to do instead?
1. Notice whenever you’re craving your oxytocin / dopamine hit. Especially: A) When your escape strategies (scrolling, Netflix, emotional eating, quick fix masturbati0on, shopping etc) kick in. B) When you feel a contraction in your chest or suddenly get grumpy and just annoyed? That’s your soul’s fire alarm saying go within!
2. Stop for at least 5min. We all can do it, even mums! Lie down, put one hand on the heart, the other one on the womb, breathe deeply into these centres. Go to the eye of the hurricane, breathing into your tension and sounding on the exhale.
3. Husband yourself. Ask yourself, “what would I like my beloved to do now?”. Maybe it’s hearing affirming words of love, being scooped up into his arms or allowing yourself to be held as you cry? Usually we long for some form of Masculine presence. Identify what it looks like and GIVE it to yourself.
4. Move. Play a song that just hits the sweet spot. Close your eyes. Move as the emotion you’re feeling. Feeling pissed off? Great, move as that! Feeling sorrowful or plain numb? Move as that. Dance, roll, undulate your hips, throw a tantrum, stretch, show your Kali tongue.
5. Give love instead of trying to get it. Write to 10 people that you care about expressing your love. Giving is pure self-nourishment.
6. Recharge your Feminine by being in Nature or with sisters that just get you on soul level.
Let’s clarify one point here: having needs doesn’t make us needy. Having needs makes us human. We cannot not have needs. We have needs so that we can survive, belong and be happy.
When we don’t meet our needs in a conscious way will we try to manipulate to get them met. It’s not meeting our needs consciously that makes us needy. Because the need is there to be met in one way or another.
— One beautiful, deeply heart-centered client of mine was sharing that she had a very strong need for touch. Loving touch would soothe her, make her nervous system feel safe. However, she felt very vulnerable to ask anyone to give her loving touch (even friends).
— Things are not made easier by the society we live in which immediately equates touch with sexual endeavors. So, the easiest way to get physical touch for her was by engaging sexually with men.
— Here’s the pain point: instead of owning her need for loving touch and overcoming the fear to ask for it, she would open up her sexual body with people she didn’t feel heart-safety with in the first place. Do you see the inner conflict here? Instead of receiving touch to feel safe, she would end
up in situations that made her heart feel even less safe. But the need for touch did have to be met, even if unconsciously.
Asking to have our needs met is a spiritual practice on its own. It requires us to gather all of our courage to reveal the most hidden truth, often buried in shame. It’s allowing our vulnerable inner child to speak up.
I love the phrase in French “avoir le cœur sur la main” which implies that we literally put our heart onto our hand, offering it to someone else.
It’s our sacred work to:
– identify our needs (google “ NVC Needs Inventory” for inspiration)
– list who can meet these needs: yourself, your beloved, friends, family?
– which needs are most challenging to own? When was the first time these needs felt not welcome?